in full bloom
In full bloom.
The fullness of us. There were so many moments when I wanted out. So many moments when I wrote myself letters so I would capture the feelings. The feelings I knew would soon pass and soon be forgotten, but then would shore up again and return us to the same place. But, interestingly, now with space between us. No resentment. Reaching both a point we can accept that it was best to be apart, and so all we have left is love. I’m now drawn to reflect on the beauty of us, to the point we got to as a couple trying to see the best in each other.
I love how much you lived your life trying to disrupt the narrative. You always questioned what we’d been socialized to believe, so much so, that when we broke up or we were going to separate you told me that you preferred to see it not as a break up or a separation, but us trying to reach our full bloom — if we stayed to close, flowers in full bloom with little room for further growth and wilt, we could turn into each others shade not support.
I love how you never missed me. I used to miss you, always, even when you were right there. I didn’t quiet understand then: you never missed me because to miss me was to possess me, to have some expectation of me that was rooted in being yours, dependent of me; so you, never missed me. Even when I was countries apart, you told me you couldn’t get to miss me, you never possessed me enough to miss me. But, you always thought of me.
I love how you were my safe person. Never did I feel judged. I never felt that you were disappointed in me. You found beauty, always. You found forgiveness, often. Thank you for making me feel so safe. You made me feel calm, always knew how to ease my anxiety. You helped me write. You helped me study. You helped me grow. You helped me heal. You loved me unconditionally.
Of course, neither of us was perfect. Our imperfections, felt in close quarters, reached a peak. Close space made us grow apart.
This isn’t really a letter to my Ex. You won’t ever be my ex: you’ll be the man who gave me light and love and followed me to this new space, this new beginning. I’m not afraid to have you linger, I am not afraid to hold you dear, I am not afraid to say, I still love you and will always love you. I see know, how this distance, this breaking up of space to make space for new, will have us both blooming again.